The 6 Worst Words to Say to the Grieving

"If you need anything, call me"

Wow. I cannot tell you how many people, in their effort to help, say this. But I cannot tell you how flat these words fall to someone who is experiencing unspeakable loss. 

What you need to know, no matter your relationship with the grieving or the one who has passed, is this:

THEY WILL NOT CALL YOU. 

They are rolling around on their floor, screaming in unspeakable, gut-wrenching pain, and the last thing they are going to do is reach for the phone. Or if they are like me, in the days between his death and the funeral, sitting with a house full of family, that person is waiting until the shower is running full blast, bathroom doors are locked and then they are losing it like a madman, just letting the blasting of the hot water mute the sobs. 

They are not in a place or mindset to pick up that phone and call you. 
What I can tell you is this: if you truly want to help...then call them.

Call them, call them, and call them again.

I don't care how many times it goes to voicemail or that your texts go unanswered over and over. What you must understand is that they are in a fight for their sanity right now, and most days they lose that fight. They are the walking remnants of a bomb that has been detonated in their heart and in their life. Picking up the phone and calling someone is the equivalent of them walking to the moon: its not going to happen and its impossible to even comprehend.

But I can tell you, there will come a moment, one day, out of the blue, when they will answer. It will shock you and you will have no idea what to say. But know that they WILL respond to that text or answer that ring...and you need to keep trying until they do. If you truly care, and want to help them, keep at it. It's not what you say in these moments; Read that again...its not what you SAY...its the fact that you are calling to tell them "I am here." And truly, that's all you can really do anyway. Their pain is excruciating and is embedded in every fiber of their body, they won't remember much anyway except that, you were THERE and you reached out, no matter how many times it took before you answered.