This may be a touchy subject, so please put your thick skins on: This post is not directed at anyone any particular, I am merely sharing my experience. And as you will hear me say again and again in this blog, one thing that rings true for someone going through this horrific event, is that each person's journey is different. But I can share with you some thoughts that you may not have considered as you try to support the grieving.
In today's world we are all so busy: it doesn't matter if you are married, single, have kids, or help take care of elderly parents--we are all overscheduled and just trying to keep afloat and address the demands of life that never seem to cease. So when an unexpected death happens, questions often arise regarding visitation, flowers, funeral attendance, and guestbooks.
Many people are unsure if they should send flowers, or perhaps they wonder if it would mean more if they stopped in during visitation, or just attend the funeral.... or maybe they cannot make it to the scheduled visitation, so they wonder if should they just stop in and sign the guestbook at the funeral home. And I am here to tell you: YES...Do something.
Perhaps all you can do is send a sympathy card...if that is the case, then send it. You may think "She is so overwhelmed right now will she even notice I am there?" or "Does a card seem too impersonal?" (I can tell you it means a lot) or maybe you think "I will just call her after everything settles down" but then, that busy life we talked about intervenes and you don't call. Or you try and it goes to voicemail, and you think its too impersonal to leave a message, so you try again, but you get voicemail again. And then life sweeps you away and before you know it, you never called.
And though you may tell yourself that it probably didn't matter, that the grief-stricken person was so out of their mind with grief that they didn't notice. But I am here to tell you, they WILL and they do. It may take MONTHS for their brain to clear and for them to think about the events and people they interacted with during that time.
Memories of people who stopped by, who visited even for 5 minutes at the door as they dropped off food, those moments WILL come back to the grieving and they, at some point, will begin to wonder why they never heard from you. And in those times, they may doubt themselves, and they will reach for the guestbook to see if perhaps they just missed you, they will look for your name and when they don't find it, it hurts. Yes, even months later.
I am so thankful for the ritual of the guestbook now. I never, ever realized what that book does for a family or spouse who is grieving....it gives them a record of who came by, or who visited, even if that person had to run by on their lunch break and they couldn't make it to the funeral. Later, the book will be pored over with family sitting around it, trying to remember if they saw you, chatted with you...they will ask each other and then, if no one saw you but they see your name there, the bereaved will think how nice it was that you took the time to acknowledge what they were going through. These gestures MEAN something to the grieving. The same goes for flowers or visitation. If you think it might help or just want to do something and don't know what to do, do one of the things I mentioned. You see, any and all of these things mean you CARED. You took time out of that over-scheduled, "just-not-enough-time-in-the-day" life to pause and actively send your thoughts and prayers. And that is monumental to the bereaved. Yes,...even months later.